I still think about you. About what could of been. The songs that will give me butterflies even after a decade passed by. You gave me the best memories of my child hood. Our love wasn’t finished.
Three months passed by and I’m still thinking about you. Only now, I don’t feel anger and sadness. I just pray that you are in a better place, reconnected with your soul in gods presence. I pray for your soul, so genuine so pure. We all still miss you. I am building up the courage to go visit you. I know you have came to my home to visit me, I haven’t been afraid of ghosts and the darkness ever since your passing. I had countless of dreams about you.
I still can’t believe people from our past messaged me to see if I was okay after hearing the news. Of course I wasn’t I cried till I couldn’t anymore. It was nice to know they still knew about my love for you. It was that memorable, even though almost 8 years have passed. It was hard to enjoy my birthday vacation after finding out. I woke up my man from his sleep because I couldn’t stop balling my eyes out. He knew about the love I had for you. Is it bad that I wished it was your little friend that passed away and not you? I hate that you didn’t put your seatbelt. I hate that you didn’t listen. It’s crazy because when I told you to put it on you did it with no hesitation. So why not when your “friends” tell you too.
And let me tell you. I know you are seeing Luis right now. He is no longer my friend ever since I told you I’m going to let him go. I kept my word. He is still being toxic and stupid. I don’t talk to him because he is still stuck in his way even after that accident. He doesn’t care so I no longer care either. At times I find my self wishing it was him even though it sounds so wrong. How did god grant him another chance and he’s still fucking up and not you? Why you? I can’t believe it. I can’t believe life really took you away, from me, from your loved ones. This is a pivot time in my life, but I know god does everything with a purpose. And I want to live that purpose and make you so proud of me.
The only reason why I am in piece is because I know we are together in a different time line. For that I am happy, because I know that Lisa is over the moon with you. And I hope she is grateful for that. I am grateful now to have known you for you and everyone else just got to know the person you portrayed. They didn’t really know you even if they did party with you. Thank you for showing your real self. I just wonder why we never made it work. The last two years are the years I haven’t heard from you, until 2020. Those two years I actually made it work in my own relationship because you were out the picture. So I thank you for that because me and him made it work, we decided to truly devote to one another. And I thank you for that. I know if you were still messaging me I would of kept falling for it, imagining how we would be.
I no longer get butterflies every time I’m in the hood, passing by your house. Since I was 13 to now that had always happen, my pressure would go down and I would feel a lightening in my body when ever I thought I saw you. I can never ever have that again in my life now.
I still miss you. 4711 to infinity. Rest In Peace and Love Saharath. 🤍
Can’t help but feel a bit guilty to celebrate another year of life, while a loved one just lost his. Hours behind, across the country but I felt it in that exact moment. I felt something was wrong. While I was celebrating life, yours was being taken away.
After one battled you faced and fought so strongly to overcome, you had to go through this. But this time you didn’t make it. Why? I know you were being strong that’s why you made it through but why not now? Why not this time? Did you give up?!!
You weren’t with the right people, they weren’t in the right minds. God gave you another chance after everything. Why did you keep going to the same people who weren’t lighting up your soul? They were just emptying you out. I know you wanted better. You said it. I thought you would let him go too. You said it. His energy was unhealthy. It almost took me out, he didn’t care about his own life you think he would care for yours? You know he needed to be alone. You said it. You needed to keep healing alone too, but you still stayed stuck on smoking, parting and drowning yourself in liquor. Why? What were you running from? What didn’t you want to face. You left me with so many questions, so many unanswered thoughts. It’s so difficult right now to process it all.
I am so grateful so the character you showed me. This version of you know. So charismatic, so charming, you knew how to light up a room without doing much. I can even tell the habibi from the block loved you so much. You can tell that your soul and heart was so genuine. You wanted everyone to be good. I feel honored to have known someone like you. You were kind enough to listen, to speak, to release, to vent, to let me see you. I know you loved it. I know you don’t get that way with others. That’s how you know you were with the wrong people. I know having me around would of done good for you. I just didn’t want to cross any boundaries with my love. But ours was simply platonic, you were and will be someone I hold in my heart forever. You were the one that got away. Thank you for letting me see you. I miss you. I wanted to see and talk to you one more time. Why didn’t I do it sooner? Why didn’t I say it when I felt it? Now I never will get the chance to.
Please visit me in my dreams. Please talk to me. Please talk to god for me. I love you king, I can’t believe it. It’s hard to believe it. Thank you for being you, I wish we could of made much more memories. Even the ones I have of you recently weren’t that lengthy but I will always remember and sit in gratitude for it. Those who did you wrong or made you feel down, karmas a bitch. To those who didn’t see your worth FUCK THEM! I saw it from a young age and always wanted you out of the hood. I wish you wanted the same. I miss you and will always miss you Saharath. I celebrate you my love, you left your impact. I still can’t believe it. I won’t hear your voice, or see your smile anymore. I can’t believe your gone. Please watch over me, god knows how many times I’ve prayed for you. And will continue to do so.
I am learning to let go of all fear and restraint and I am having the best time of my life. God really has applied pressure into allowing me to listen to the words of those who want to see me grow. Coming from mentors, lover, friends etc, it’s all clicking day by day. I went from being the one to always constantly give advise and words downloaded by god. It looks like now it’s time for me to listen, absorb and apply. 2020 was insane, and important for my growth, I am blessed to have learned and grown so much and it’s only getting better! 2021 it’s time. I’m ready for it all. With gods grace, I can do everything because I am everything.
